Gifts

I struggle with giving gifts to the grandkids. All grandparents do probably. I want to shower them with things they'd love and I'd hope they would remember that Grammy gave them something special.

But they have everything. Way too much stuff, far too many clothing items unworn and given away, and so many large items like trikes and scooters and kitchen sets and trampolines. They are swamped with presents, books, electronics, trucks, stuffed toys, lego sets, gifts, and things their parents simply get for them.

At birthday parties when kids bring presents, the gifts are never opened there. They are brought home, still wrapped and put aside. A few get opened every once in a while in the following weeks, but it's not an event and the idea of a birthday present from someone specific is lost.

This is what my granddaughter remembers about her third birthday party -- jumping on a bouncy mat. She didn't even know there was a pile of gifts on a table that were brought home unopened.

The presents were opened a few at a time some weeks later. She did not connect any of them to her birthday party.

I'm flummoxed on what to give these kids. For Christmas this year I just got each one three small items. Each gets a book, an animal, and a small construction toy. Very modest, but it still adds to the immense collection of things they have. 

When I arrive at each visit I give them a small goofy item in a bag, just for the surprise. Nothing is really a gift -- I get a finger puppet, or stickers, or a tiny plastic box to put six Froot Loops in. Once I brought my granddaughter a bellman's bell and told her to ding it whenever she wanted a kiss. That novelty wore off, but it was fun for the arrival time of my visit. 

These aren't presents, just little tokens when Grammy gets there.

While I can shake my head and bemoan that big gifts carefully selected, wrapped, and given are unappreciated, I'm not going to do that. Instead here's what I am thinking:

These children are being raised to value experiences, not possessions. It's a good thing. They aren't invested in getting loot.

Their parties are full of fun play and food at a kid's event space. They don't even realize gifts are there.

They don't attach significance to material items -- Grammy's love, a friend's specialness, their own importance is not something you get from a toy or a gift.

These thoughts have helped me make peace with simply getting my grandkids a few modest presents and letting the cascade of material goods in their lives just be the background of privilege they live in. 

Getting a gift is not a goal, parties or Grammy's visits are not for acquiring loot. (In my day the point of a party or Christmas was to get stuff. I do remember that clearly.)

Owning possessions now is not special, and while they enjoy playing with their toys and reading all their books, it's the experience of them and not the act of opening, owning and admiring each that counts. 

My two grandchildren are children of immense privilege. They have everything, and they will always live with material things most people can't dream of. But they will grow up putting their emotional attachments on something other than getting more stuff.

Here's an article from last year about kids' goods becoming so overwhelming and no longer something we hold onto to hand down. It's interesting that donation centers are overwhelmed too -- they can't deal with the glut of toys and clothes that they receive.